When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize