Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
