3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
