At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
