You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
