He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize