I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Randomize
