my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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