awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
