just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My vagina is officially offended.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
