My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
