I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize