Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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