When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
