I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
