She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
