Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
