someone get that fucking seahorse.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
