So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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