I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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