What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I smell like Dick and happiness
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
