when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
