In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
