i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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