soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
