They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
