Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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