Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
