I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
