I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
