Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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