i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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