The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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