booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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