They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
