My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
