mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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