I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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