you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
