Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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