I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
