my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
