he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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