me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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