The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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