I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
