I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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