I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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