i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
