I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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