just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
