I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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