And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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