What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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