my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
