sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
