Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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