do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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